Photo by Helen Redmond
The tagline for Parents Against Caffeine (PAC) is “Big Caffeine Wants to Hook Your Kids. We Want to Stop Them.” The group won a stunning victory in Washington State – a total ban on coffee. Reports from around the country that coffee drinks cut with nitrogen were poisoning Starbucks customers led to the ban. So far, six people have been hospitalized and hundreds more have been sickened. The Governor and public health officials declared a “public health emergency” to rush through the ban on the sale and distribution of coffee in the state. A wildly popular line of Starbucks beverages is allegedly responsible – the “nitro draft latte.” It’s an über-caffeinated drink with nitrogen – a dangerous chemical that is found in fertilizers, explosives and poisons! Don’t be fooled by this description of the nitro draft latte: “Nitrogen brings out coffee’s natural sweetness. Espresso is swirled into cold, creamy nitrogenated whole milk. It’s a blast!” Sure it’s a blast – right in the face! The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) support the ban. Both agencies are investigating the surge in caffeine use by kids and have released warnings to everyone to stop drinking coffee.
Starbucks, a global purveyor of caffeinated beverages, is based in Seattle Washington. A spokesperson for the company said they’d fight to overturn the “ridiculous ban on a legal beveridge.” Dr. Stuart Glass, an executive member of the American Academy of Pediatrics said of the ban, “This is a win for public health. Starbucks is directly responsible for the explosion in kid caffeine use. We know from two studies in mice that nicotine disrupts the formation of circuits in the brain that control attention and learning in the developing teen brain. A coffee ban is the only way to stop the epidemic of children using caffeine.” Asked how the ban would affect adults Glast replied, “Adult caffeine addicts are part of the problem, especially parents who brew coffee at home. They are setting their children up for a lifetime of addiction.”
PAC is a grassroots organization started by two, wealthy, white women–Misty Maloney and Prudence Patterson–from the Bezos-Gates neighborhood in Seattle The duo were able to recruit thousands of new members when Starbucks had the tenacity to open a three-level, 23,000-square-foot coffee den trademarked “Starbucks Reserve Roastery” one block from a high school, playground and daycare center.
Photo by Helen Redmond
In promotional materials the Roastery is described as an “immersive space that invites you to discover and explore.” Left out was that it’s a haven for a caffeine fix. The Roastery uses the social media hashtag #getroasted and has over 5 million followers on Instagram. PAC’s Twitter hashtag is #breakthehabit. The women were horrified at what they found inside the building. Immediately upon entering, the sickeningly addictive aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafted over them. Cool, clever, coffee themed and branded merch from t-shirts to water bottles were on display.
Photo by Helen Redmond
And of course tons of coffee beans and drug delivery brewing devices–French press, chemex–were for sale. Maloney exclaimed, “This place is a java jungle!”
Always innovating to lock in a new generation, Big Caffeine has developed cutting edge caffeine drinks deliberately designed to induce instant addiction. “Cold brew” is made from coffee beans steeped in cold water for 24 hours. One cup delivers a jolt of up to 600 milligrams of caffeine! It’s been dubbed “crack” coffee.
Photo by Helen Redmond
Research has shown that caffeine is a gateway drug – to alcohol. Toward that end, Starbucks Reserve Roastery serves caffeinated alcoholic libations at their “experience bar.” Great, “experience” double addiction! Signature cocktails curated by barristers/bartenders contain shots of gin, whiskey or vodka and are blended with brewed coffee beans. Their best selling cocktail is the “Silver Needle Speedball-Stay Awake:)” It’s a potent combo of ristretto espresso, barrel-aged bourbon and served with a side of two 400 mg, 8-hour sustained release capsules of caffeine. But what Starbucks drug dealers who serve up “coffee flights” won’t tell you is that caffeine, because it’s a stimulant, cancels out the sedative effects of alcohol so customers can keep drinking. Each coffee cocktail retails for $20. Big Caffeine, big profits, big-ups! And those hipster, beret wearing drug pushers at the Roastery sure as hell won’t tell you that caffeine is as addictive as heroin!
Nothing was designed to appeal more to youth than the Roastery’s kid-friendly flavored syrups. Imported from Italy, Torani fruit syrups like lemon, lime, watermelon, raspberry, and tangerine are sure to lure in children.
If the flavors don’t, the Starbucks coffee and ice cream creations menu will. “They know kids drink a lot of milk, devour ice cream treats and love flavors like vanilla, chocolate and strawberry,” said Patterson. The ‘Cold Brew Malt’ contains coffee, vanilla ice cream, chocolate bitters, mint and whipped cream. The ingredients are whirled into a thick milkshake. The ‘Affogato Float’ consists of two shots of espresso poured over a scoop of crème brûlée gelato. Big Caffeine and Big Sugar, WTF! Patterson said angrily, “The pairing of coffee with ice cream shows how far Big Caffeine is willing to go to addict adolescent brains. It’s outrageous!”
Emboldened by the victory in Washington, PAC’s next target is the state of Massachusetts where the two East Coast caffeine kingpins – Keurig and Dunkin’ Donuts have corporate headquarters and thousands of shops.
Photo by Helen Redmond
A PAC press release explained that a parent’s worst nightmare are kids who are “Keurigging.” A “Keurigger” named Dakota (not her real name) explained how she became addicted to K-Cups. “Like, I really like popping a pod into the machine. It’s so easy and like, there’s no mess. Next thing I know I’m like drinking the coffee and I’m like getting a dope head rush! Keurigging is cool!” Dakota confessed to being a daily Keurigger and that she and fellow Keuriggers have no problem concealing their Keurig K-Compact Single-Serve K-Cup Pod Coffee Maker in their school lockers.
The Keurig company also trafficks in flavors. They offer (Does K stand for Kids!?) K-Cups in Toasted Marshmallow, Chocolate Glazed Donut, Wild Mountain Blueberry, Raspberry Chocolate (Dakota’s favorite) and Cinnamon Sugar Cookie.
Dunkin’ Donuts (DD) has been peddling caffeine for over fifty years. Particularly offensive to PAC members are the DD lattes in candy flavors including Hershey’s Cookies & Creme, Heath Toffee Crunch and Kit Kat Kool! Maloney said, “It couldn’t be more obvious that DD is using candy to entice kids into their stores to buy caffeinated drinks.” Maloney also believes that DD signage which uses the bright colors of orange and pink attract kids. She warned DD, “PAC is coming for you.” Anand Chakrabarti owns a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise in Cambridge, Massachusetts. When told that PAC would launch a campaign to ban the sale of coffee he stated with defiance, “Bring it!” Then Chakrabarti, the inventor of the beloved and world-renowned “Massachusetts Mango Masala Coffee Coolatta” said with a twinkle in his eye, “America runs on Dunkin’.”
Photo by Helen Redmond
Half a world away at a conference in Catania, Italy, leading caffeine researchers shook their heads when told about the coffee ban in Washington. “You Americanos,” Dr. Donatella Lo Grasso joked, “want to ban everything that is pleasurable.” She added, “La caffeina fa bene al cervello.” During each coffee break, conference attendees crowded around a massive, stainless steel La Marzocco Linea 3 Group AV Auto-Volumetric Espresso Machine and knocked back doppios of espresso, sipped small cups of foamy cappuccinos and macchiatos – smiling, laughing and talking.
Sketch of a La Marzocco espresso machine
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